Arsenal 2 - 1 Everton

Brentford 1 - 2 Newcastle

Brighton 2 - 1 Man. United

Burnley 3 - 0 Nottingham Forest

Chelsea 3 - 1 Bournemouth

Crystal Palace 12 - 0 Aston Villa (already left for Europe)

Liverpool 2 - 1 Wolves

Luton Town 1 - 3 Fulham

Man. City 2 - 0 West Ham

Sheffield United 0 - 2 Tottenham

A university statistics lecturer is visiting Stair Park having heard a lot about the lack of luck at the world renowned stadium but is clearly worried about the Ultras. When he passes the turnstile security check, they discover a bomb in his possession. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.

"I don't understand it!" the interrogating SRA security officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up Stair Park!"

"Sorry", the lecturer interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up this beloved place."

"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb in?!"

"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being in Stair Park is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind watching the match."

"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb into the stadium?"

"You see, since the probability of one bomb being in Stair Park is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."

.....I wonder what the odds were of one of us having a University Stats lecturer in the family?? Probably higher than I imagine.

"A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second. Therefore, each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant."

......nice idea but I am scared of going further north than Gretna. Hailing from Carlisle anything further up I have heard is a desolate waste land of ice bears and sabre toothed Picts. My Grandfather told me and I have also seen all of the Game of Thrones documentaries to prove it. (Stair Park is luckily just 300m further north than Brunton Park). 

......not sure we would be that great in the Highland league.......

Yes, I have a few (4,632 to be precise) spare tickets for the Stair Park leg if anyone is interested?

Brighton 0 - 2 Chelsea

Man. United 0 - 2 Newcastle

Tottenham 0 - 3 Man. City

Bournemouth 2 - 1 Brentford

Aston Villa 2 - 2 Liverpool

Everton 2 - 0 Sheffield United

Fulham 0 - 3 Man. City

Man. United 0 - 2 Arsenal

Newcastle 3 - 0 Brighton

Nottingham Forest 0 - 2 Chelsea

Tottenham 2 - 0 Burnley

West Ham 2 - 1 Luton Town

Wolves 1 - 1 Crystal Palace