The Silver Surferx start the new season underperennial caretaker manager Neil Warnock and his new media assistant AL who has come up with some new rules for the club:

CLUB RULES & CODE OF CONDUCT
MANAGEMENT NOTICE: READ ‘EM AND WEEP, LADS.

Any player found whining about these rules will be forced to do thirty laps of the gravel car park in their bare feet. The charity ends today.

1. Kit & Matchday Attire

• Gloves and snoods are strictly banned. If your hands are cold, put 'em in your pockets. If your neck is cold, pull your bloody shoulders up. This is football, not a weekend trip to a ski resort.
• Boot colors: Boots must be black. If you turn up in lime green, hot pink, or sky blue boots, they will be confiscated and used by the groundsman to shovel manure. You don’t need neon footwear to finish 24th.

2. Injury & Medical Room Protocol

• The Magic Sponge is the only approved medical treatment at this club. It will be soaked in freezing water from the canal. If it doesn't cure your hamstring twinge, you’ll just have to run it off.
• Rolling around on the floor after a tackle will result in an immediate fine. Unless your leg is pointing in a direction God never intended, you get up, you dust yourself off, and you apologize to the referee for making a scene.

3. Tactical Instructions & Gameplay

• The "Passing Out from the Back" ban: If a defender passes the ball sideways inside our own box, he will be substituted immediately and forced to pay for the matchball if we lose it. When in doubt, hoof it into the canal.
• Step-overs are a sackable offence. If you try to do a fancy little dance over the ball like you’re on Strictly Come Dancing, you’ll be dropped to the reserves. Just run straight. If a defender is in the way, run through him.